Loss Of A Child

Grieving the Loss of a Child

 

The loss of a child is the most devastating experience a parent can face-and missing the child never goes away. A piece of yourself is lost and your future is forever changed.

The age of the child at the time of death does not lessen the hurt or devastation. It feels completely unnatural for a child to die before his or her parents.

Many grieving parents question whether life will hold any meaning for them and wonder how they will survive the pain of their loss. Parents describe the feeling as having a hole in their heart that will never heal, and may blame themselves and ask, “If only I had.” Or they may be angry with their spouse, the physician, God, or the government.

Parents feel alone and isolated in their grief, as friends and relatives are often at a loss as to what to say. But it is important to talk to people who understand the loss. This may be family, friends, clergy, therapists, or support groups.

Everyone suffers loss in different ways depending upon their beliefs, culture, family history, and relationship with the person who died. It doesn’t mean that others care less if they mourn differently than you do. Grief can also vary greatly depending upon how the child died. While some losses are less visible, such as miscarriage, other experiences of loss are more traumatic, such as an accident, illness, murder or death during war.

 

Types of Loss

Miscarriage affects about 25 percent of women who become pregnant during their lifetime. The experience of pregnancy loss can be devastating to couples, yet the majority of women who miscarry become pregnant again soon after the loss. This can become emotionally and physically challenging for the couple. They are often plagued with concerns about the possibility of another miscarriage and whether they made an appropriate decision to conceive again.

Stillbirths, occurring in about 1% of pregnancies, can leave a feeling of disorientation, yearning and despair. Hospitals will give parents the option of spending time with the baby to say goodbye, and many parents have said that seeing their child was important for their grief process and enabled them to see the baby as a part of themselves. Another form of infant loss is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)-the most frequent cause of death in children under one year of age-that creates a profound void and sense of loss in the family.

Approximately 2,000 children are reported missing every day, and these kidnappings and cases of missing children cause parents almost unbearable pain. Not knowing whether a child is dead or alive results in confusion, fright and anxiety. When the bodies of kidnapped children are found, parents may express saddened relief that their children can now have a proper burial and healing can finally begin.

The parents of murder victims face many unique struggles in their process of bereavement. A sense of loss of control is common, and the suddenness of the death is so overwhelming that, for a period of time, parents are often incapable of processing through the grief. For this group, dealing with spiritual beliefs, attitudes toward life, and general physical health may hold special importance.

 

Marital Stress and the Death of a Child

Parents often experience more anger, depression, guilt, and physical symptoms than those grieving other losses. Conflict can occur between the parents due to lack of understanding about each person’s way of expressing grief. Marital problems, which were present before the child’s death, can re-emerge, often with increased strength. Blaming can occur and the words that are said to each other in anger and grief can have a lifelong impact.

With time, the pain lessens and a different future is created. During the bereavement period, a wide array of emotions and symptoms can be experienced, such as denial, self-blame, sleeplessness, fatigue, anxiety and despair. These are all normal parts of the intense grieving process, and the intensity of feelings change as you move through bereavement.

 

How Can I Help Myself?

Keep a journal; sometimes it is helpful to put down in words what you are feeling and thinking.

Talk about your child, if you want to. Although it may be painful, it can help you heal.

Take time to do a familiar activity with your family. This helps to provide stability when your world is feeling chaotic.

Join a support group; parents often respond that becoming involved in bereavement groups helped them through their loss and with their relationship.

Seek therapy when you, or others close to you, feel that your grief is becoming too difficult to bear, or is too prolonged.

 

What Types of Help Are Available?

Family Therapy: The death of a child touches everyone in the family and forever changes its landscape. Sadness, anger, and hopelessness are some of the emotions often felt by bereaved parents. Family therapists are specially trained to understand the profound impact of this loss on an individual and a family and can assist through a time of bereavement.

Support Groups: Support groups for bereaved parents offer a place to talk about your child, your loss, fears, anger, anxieties and other feelings. These groups also help parents learn from the experiences of others who have suffered the same or a similar type of loss. Several support groups provide services for other family members, such as siblings and grandparents. Contact one of the organizations listed below for information about group support in your area.

Written by Margo F. Weiss, PhD.

 

The Discovery 19

“Where the hell is this sheet of paper?” I said aloud, I practically emptied my bags. Shit!

“Ice!, are you done?, your food is getting cold” my mum said behind my door.

“Almost done mum” I shouted back and decided to quit the search for the paper. As I got dressed, my eyes fell on the suspension letter on my dressing table and again my heart skipped. I sat down on my bed and stared at it, then said a silent prayer.

As I silently ate my food, so many questions ran through my mind, I raised my head and stared at my parents one after the other and wondered to myself who i inherited my sexual preference from; was it my mum or my dad?, or was it just a phase?, or was it just me being me?.

I had so many questions that needed answers, I …..

“So how was the term?” my mum asked, bringing me back to reality.

“It went well”

“And your exams?”

I wasn’t in a good mood for questions and answers, although this was  a tradition, so I tried not too show how irritated I was at that moment.

“It was alright” I said at last as I bit into my beef and chewed.

“So what was your position?, and please don’t tell me 3rd” and they both laughed.

I had always been 3rd in class almost all my life and I began to wonder whatever happened to 1st or 2nd?.

“Well I didn’t come 3rd this time, I came 8th” keeping a straight face, as I dropped my cutlery.  There was silence, I was expecting that so it didn’t really come as a surprise.

“Ice are you okay” my mum asked now worried, as she placed her palm on my hand, I gazed at her hand on mine as she kind of caressed it, i could detect from her voice she was worried, she knew me too well and knew something was eating up her dear daughter.

“Am fine”, I paused then gazed at my dad squinted my eyes and said “just tired”.

Now looking for an excuse to leave the dining, and on cue, the phone rang. I tried to get up but the househelp got there before me. “Great”! I muttered under my breathe. I had to sit back down.

“Hello, good evening ma’am”….silence

“Yes she is”..another silence

“Please hold on”

“Aunty Ice,its for you”

I rushed up…

“Hello”

“Ice! Its me Lexy”

“Hey hun” I said with a smile, then gazed towards my parents and decided to back them, they both looked at each other and had a worried look on their faces, no longer eating.

“Have you told them” she asked me from the other end,

“No!” paused..”I haven’t” as I missed a heart beat again., then ran my fingers on my forehead.

“Me too, am so scared Ice, so very scared”.

“I know the feeling Lex, but I think what has to be done has to be done”.

“I wish I never visited you that night” she said with all seriousness.

“What did you just say?” Getting irritated the more. Here was someone I thought could help me out of my mood, instead she was trying to aggravate it.

” Listen Lexy…..”

Then she hung up. Great!

I slammed the phone down, out of annoyance.

“Ice!” I heard my dad’s voice, I ran up the stairs ignoring my dad and into my room, bolted the door, stood for a few seconds my back against the door, then i began to walk around trying to calm my nerves, “you cant do that” I said to myself, “you cant break down Ice, you just cant”..

To be continued.

“If Only”…6

Present day…

Brandy sat up from the bed, ran her fingers through her rough hair, her tummy made a funny sound, she was terribly hungry and thirsty, she hadn’t eaten in 2days, and had lost some weight. She had locked herself in, away from family and friends, she needed to be alone, to think of her life how it all began, where it all began and where she went wrong.

At age 30 she had just been dumped again, but this time it was just a few days to her wedding.

Having a boyfriend wasn’t brandy’s problem, the problem was keeping them. As she walked towards her kitchen hoping to find something to eat, she paused and stared at how her kitchen looked and smelled, “awful” she said aloud. She hadn’t warmed her soups and now they were all spoilt. She opened the fridge and took a can of beer, opened it and gulped it down all at a go. She had been told to always use a glass cup instead of drinking directly from the can, but right now she didn’t give 2 fucks.

She saw her cigarette and lit one as she walked back to her room, she hadn’t bathed in 2days and her hair was in a mess.

Done smoking she laid back in bed and adjusted her head on her pillow, she wasn’t done reminiscing, shut her eyes as her thoughts wondered back to a few years earlier…

Sandy excused herself, she was confused, should she go after her dad or go see her friend? She decided the earlier option of her dad,..her friend could wait she thought to herself. ”Dad, is there something wrong?” her dad on the other hand was contemplating whether to tell her daughter or not, but that would mean telling her he had a bad habit of watching porn, something that had kept him going for years after his wife’s death, if he skipped that part, her friend wouldn’t.

“Am fine Dee” calling her by her pet name, that brought a smile to sandy’s face.

”Thought i hurt you by inviting a friend” she went on,

”Oh no dear, not at all’ he said with a fake smile.

”Love u dad” she said as she walked off now happy thinking everything was cool.

 

On the day of the party, there were more than enough guests, all top shots, with exotic cars, Brandy wore a very short black skirt and a see through blouse, her bra was visible to all, if you looked a bit closer, you could make out her pointed nipples, Sandy’s dad avoided her in every way he could, until he noticed some of his friends were ogling at her, at the end of the party she got lots of cash and lots of complimentary cards to go with it and at different times, they all did it secretly.

But she still had eyes for Alex and she wasn’t gonna give that up just yet.

To be continued

“if only”…5

“What!” That was all he could say out of shock. He was too surprised and embarrassed, what the hell he taught to himself. He just laid there and stared at her approaching him. Too shocked to move.

“Let me help you sir” she said as she  removed her short flared skirt, left her thong on, she fell on her knees beside the bed and quickly held his dick, before he could come to terms with reality, she was about to suck on it when she heard the horn outside the gate. “Holy shit” she half screamed as she rushed out of the room, then quickly rushed to the stairs heading to the guest room, just when the househelp stepped out of the kitchen and had a surprised look on her face, thinking and wondering at the same time if what she was thinking had just happened as she fixed her gaze from her back as she ran towards the guest room then up the stairs, completely forgetting what brought her out in the first place, then she walked back into the kitchen thinking.

Brandy was too in a hurry and didn’t seem to see the help.

Damn! She said to herself as she laid on the bed pretending to be asleep, just as Sandy and her boyfriend walked in giggling to themselves.

“Felicia!, Felicia!”

“Yes mam” the househelp answered running into the sitting room.

Sandy handed her a bag, and asked after Brandy.

“Eerrm” Felicia had to rethink whether or not to report what she had witnessed, but not that she actually caught them, with a worried look she said, “Aunty is in the guest room”

“Okay!, go give that to her, tell her Jeff got it for her”. With that said Felicia walked towards the guest room, she disliked Brandy instantly, she lost all the respect she had for her, she felt like telling her she saw her rushing down the stairs half naked, but what would be the turn out she taught to herself, as she knocked on the guest room door. No reply..

She had to bang on the door before she heard her voice, “pretender” Felicia murmured to herself, as she walked in giving her a dreadful look, she passed the message and placed the bag on a small table, and as she was about to walk out, Brandy stopped her and said “what’s with the attitude?, did my friend do anything to you?” Felicia was about to say, “on the contrary, it was you who did something” but decided to say she was fine and walked out but not before giving her those looks again.

Brandy became confused, what was wrong with her?, she knew no one saw her going upstairs or coming down, she decided to think it was stress and she was probably looking for someone to take it out on.

“Jeff, how are you?” She heard Alex’s voice, her heart skipped a beat as she got up and walked towards the door, peeping.

“I am fine sir, my parents sends their regards”.

Alex just smiled and looked towards the guest room and suddenly felt uneasy.

Jeff and Sandy followed his gaze and immediately his daughter said

“Dad, I have a guest, its someone you already know, you have met her once, she is here in preparation for your birthday”

Her dad just nodded his head, looked in that direction again and walked back upstairs, now that left Sandy and her boyfriend a bit confused as they stared at each other.

To be continued

The Discovery 18

She continued but stopped for a few seconds as I pulled off my shirt, revealing my lacy black bra.

“Follow me”.

I did as instructed and she got me naked real fast.

“Lie down… face down” she said with a smile, now I knew she wanted to give me a massage so I eagerly obeyed with a smile on my face and my ass slightly raised.

Then, I felt her weight on the bed, she knelt with my legs in between her knees, i heard the squelch of her massage oil being warmed in her hands then she began spreading it across my shoulders and back. I became very relaxed, with my eyes shut and horny, “oh gosh” I moaned into the pillow, as I spread my legs slightly, she got the message as she gently applied pressure to each ”fuck” I muttered as I opened my legs wider.

She shifted and worked her way up, along and around my legs, then down to my feet, one at a time slowly, making me so wet.

My pussy began to tingle with the sensations, she stopped for a few seconds, I opened my eyes wondering why she stopped, just in time to see her toss her top on the floor, she had no panties or bra on, she leaned forward, and sat on my ass, began to massage first below my waist, then back up to my shoulders, while she gentle began a rub her walls all over my ass, I felt her wetness on my ass.

“Shit Miss Jenny, you are giving me chills”.. My nipples began to harden

“Good, I am supposed to give you chills, baby”

“I love giving massages, she said seductively and I knew how much you needed it, I had no idea you would turn up, you read between those smiles, you naughty girl” as she teased my clit with her fingers.

I began to moan and move my hips from side to side; she moved with me, she fell on my back, and rubbed her boobs on my back, the oil made it slippery, she gently let her tongue into my ear, causing me to quiver.

I lost it and rolled over, it was kind of  difficult considering her weight and I was faced down, she had to raise her butt up, then sat back down, her pussy walls on mine. I sat up, my elbows helped me for support, she reached up and kissed me, I rolled her over raised her legs high enough and squatted on her pussy, my pussy joined hers, our juices made a squashing sound , we began to grind, her fingers on my nipples as we lost track of time, we went on and on and eventually came..

“ICE”….

“I am going to miss you like crazy” she said trying to catch her breath.

“Me too” I stammered…

Gosh! I needed that, felt much better, considering what I went trough earlier on.

 

I searched for either of my parents with my eyes, just when I was about to give up, I saw my dad and the driver. I rushed towards him, he hadn’t seen me yet, he was still searching for me, then i hugged him from behind, he turned faced me and gave me a proper hug.

My dad, in his mid forties looked young and handsome, he never missed his early morning exercises and his coffee…light complexioned, very energetic, smart and with a good sense of humor, he loved life and all that went with it. He wasn’t really a disciplinarian, but he made sure we knew right from wrong. I liked the way he expresses himself with his facial expressions with lots of swag, I must have gotten that from him;his side smiles, tilted head and his catlike eyes.

“Look at you, you have lost so much weight” he said with a side smile.

“Yea dad, I know”, tried to play childish with a sad facial expression. He smiled and hugged me again. “We have missed you” .

“Me too” I said

I handed my luggage to the driver and we all headed to the car.

“Home sweet home” I said as I stepped into my house.

Roy my dog barked, I played with him for a while, then my mum stepped out.

“ICE” she had a huge smile on her face, I rushed at her and gave her a tight hug, she kissed my forehead and played with my hair.

My mum, in her late thirties looked more like an elder sister than a mum, very sexy, slim with a flat tommy, she was more of a dyke than a lady to me, she loved her jeans and tees or tank tops, got a good taste in fashion, I could tell her anything, she always had a listening ear, but I had never told her I liked girls, and still didn’t know how to break that news.

“I prepared your favorite, you should go shower and join us when you are done, I know we have a lot to talk about”. She said.

My heart skipped when I heard her last sentence, omg! How could I possibly tell her. I walked towards my room, the driver and the help were right behind me with my luggage.

I began to unpack, I brought out the suspension letter and read it again, damn!. I dropped it on my dressing table and laid down with my hands folded behind my head..I began to think how I would break the news.; will they understand? Lexy crossed my mind, and I wondered what she was up to, I got up and headed to the bathroom.

 

“Gosh,this feels good,” i sighed as i eased myself into the hot bath. Thinking the water would wash away some of the tension, I relaxed for a while and closed my eyes, as so many thoughts flashed through my mind.

I began to touch myself without knowing, when I realised what I was doing, I was already wet and horny. I gently rubbed my breasts and my nipples hardened instantly. I went down to my cunt and rubbed it gently, gosh! I needed to get laid, but with who?.

 

Then I remembered Candy and with a huge smile rushed out of the bath, searching my bag for the crumpled sheet of paper.

To be continued